Survivors Guilt
by KangaRou
Summary: Because he's the last one isn't he? - Gray-centric oneshot, dark themes, depression, low self worth, swearing : to be edited when I've slept


Gray sat, back against the wall with his legs pulled up against his chest. He tried to make himself as small as possible. The small apartment swamping him, deafening him with constant silence. His ears were ringing with their voices, their loving, self-sacrificing, stupid voices. It hurt to think, it hurt to move and it was hurting to even exist.

The constant feeling of 'It should have been me' made his heart ache with a pain that was all too familiar. He was the last one left of that small village which had been demolished by Deliora. He alone knew of the pain which came with Ul and Ultear's sacrifices. His dads death ripped the walls he'd set up right down again and now, now he needed to recover.

Yet, he couldn't, because every path took him down the road to more guilt, more depression and more pain, because it should have been _fucking_ him. He should be dead. Six feet under, no way out, dead as a drowned rat. He wasn't, and that was the hardest thing to accept.

A sob racked his body and he smacked his head against the wall he was leaning against. Why? Why was he special? Why did he get to live when so many others didn't? What was it about Gray _fucking_ Fullbuster that meant he deserved life? Cause he sure as hell didn't deserve happiness. Not when his primary sources of hope left.

He pulled a fist up to his mouth and bit down hard to keep himself from screaming, blood ran down his hand and wrist where the teeth broke the skin. He sobbed around his fist, letting his head fall onto his knees. He wanted them to stop, he needed the voices to stop, and he needed everything to _just_ stop.

Howling in his ears, that's all he could hear, the screaming and the guilt eating away at him from the inside out. The devil slayer mark eating inwards.

 _It should have been you._

He knows, the marks they understand, it whispers to him softly while the guilt screams. The mark grows in power the more he feels it dwindle. He bit into his wrist this time, leaving large imprints of teeth and blood drifting down.

Gray wants to die, he knows that's what he should do, but he also knows that the release of death isn't something he deserve. This suffering, this pain, he deserves everything it's chucking at him. The darkness inside nibbling away at his core. Without Fairy Tail, his friends, the only family he had left, he knows that he has no chance.

He's been sitting in his position, curled up crying, glaring at his front door as if daring someone to come find him. He knows they won't, it's been a week, he hasn't eaten and he hasn't slept a week. Fairy Tail has been disbanded and he's been left with darkness, pain and guilt, because he's the only one left.

Bite marks litter his arms, tear tracks run down his face and his eyes are bright red, blood shot, as if they'll burst from his skull. This time when he wants to scream, he doesn't stop himself, he just screams, he scream and screams and screams, tears and sobs freely flowing again. He knows that letting this darkness eat at him is the worst thing he could do, but he can't find it in him to care. He screams their names, tells them to shut up because they're making it worse, he screams until his throat is bleeding and he can't make any noises other than the odd hiccup as his crying calms down.

Surely his neighbours heard that, they don't care. No-one cares for the poor little boy who's got no family, lost his mentor and someone whom had been like a sister, don't care for the boy who's so stupid and worthless his whole guild abandoned him.

 _I won't abandon you._

The black marks creep their way up his arm, he honest to God tries to stop them, but they won't stop. So he listens to their caress, the caress of the shadows that know him so well. His father's last gift to him, surely embracing them wouldn't be such a bad thing. The marks, they tell him stories. Stories of weak children who grow strong through magic, of people who can defeat even the strongest enemy and they expand as Gray listens and accepts.

They cover most of Gray's face by the time he feels sleepy, he's been awake for almost two weeks straight, crying and screaming, considering death. Now, he feels the lull of peace, as the marks take over, maybe this will end things.

He sacrifices his will to the power of the devil slaying magic, and he realises he's sacrificed himself in the process. Knows that this is for all intents and purposes the end of Gray Fullbuster. He couldn't fulfil his father's last wishes, he couldn't hold on for those who sacrificed himself, but apathy took over.

When he next came too, he screamed and screamed against the demon controlling his body, but maybe this was what he deserved. To be taken round like a meat puppet. He deserved it, didn't deserve to be in control. He lay back inside, uncaring, and let the guilt wash him away.

* * *

AN: So this is a bit of a…dark one, sorry, I'm having a bad feeling of survivors guilt this week, and my depression is just going down the whoopsie daisy and so I made this in an attempt to make it all that much better. Channelled all my personal angst into Gray angst, so it may seem rough because honestly, it hasn't had any editing, just emotion.

Maybe this just proves I shouldn't write on less than three hours sleep?


End file.
